Opstarngfruteit
Nice day.
Advertaong
Now this is a chemistry abstract that gets my attention.
Ilia
To the tune of Spiderman's song, because there is a new superhero in town.
Ryugyong Int'l Motoring Expo: Voss Nose unveils the Trigoneuron-88, world's first self-drunk-driving car.
Note: This is a JM Classique™ post. Photobucket are absolutely groovy in every way and broke image links from ten years ago, removing the images from old forum posts. Since I’m going through each old post and re-hosting the image on this server, I figured I might as well shove the post here, too. JM Classique™: Your Trusted Brand of Yestercrap.
International Hovering Quarterly - Today, Voss Nose Chairman and Most Pretty Scientist Tsutomu Hata unveiled the Trigoneuron-88, the world's first self-driving car able to function with a blood-alcohol level of up to 5.0%. Based on the company's lightweight Terrestrapist volute-suspension chassis, the Trigoneuron-88 includes the company's class-leading Portlethorax 24-cylinder radial engine and Infinizone hinged climate control windows, mated to a bioelectronic control system that Hata characterized as being "exactly like 24,000 68030s in a bucket with a duck brain."
The Trigoneuron's party piece is its high alcohol tolerance. "It is totally cool to drive right now, man," Hata slurred. "You don't even know. Just give me the keys back and I'll totally show you. It hasn't even had like one drink at all, man." It is claimed that the Trigoneuron's control system can function at levels of inebriation beyond the scope of mortal man. Proponents of self-driving cars have claimed that their widespread use represents a new frontier in road safety, but Voss Nose bosses claimed that further study was needed. "Those Google cars are total lightweights," Hata claimed to the assembled press. "One glass of Laphroaig and the whole thing is up poop creek without a shittle, if you'll pardon my French." The Trigoneuron-88 is expected to be more popular with its friends than the Toyota-based Google proof-of-concept vehicles, and Voss Nose insists that the car-tank-yacht's irresponsible behavior will make it popular with youth abroad. "We sold cars to Kim Il-Sung, Kim Jong-Il, and Kim Jong-Un," said Hata, "but with the Trigoneuron-88 we went back to the drawing board and thought about what we needed to do to sell cars to the next generation of dictator. They're younger, they're douchier, and less steeped in Stalinist Realism. We think the Trigoneuron represents the next leap forwards for our business."
The assembled press' reaction was tepid. Zwei Auto editor Moxlips XVI said "when people hear Voss Nose, they think of multi-billion dollar worldcrushers the size of Belgrade with the carbon footprint of Concatenated Serbia. Is the Trigoneuron really what that demographic wants?" CAR Magazine Greaheame Tongs agreed: "This is a car that, through it's inebriated self-motoring, will certainly kill many hundreds of pedestrians. But doesn't the average Voss Nose customer want the satisfaction of killing them himself?"
Consumer reaction remains to be groped; the Trigoneuron-88 goes on sale this epoch for 1.6 billion Guilders.
International Hovering Quarterly - Today, Voss Nose Chairman and Most Pretty Scientist Tsutomu Hata unveiled the Trigoneuron-88, the world's first self-driving car able to function with a blood-alcohol level of up to 5.0%. Based on the company's lightweight Terrestrapist volute-suspension chassis, the Trigoneuron-88 includes the company's class-leading Portlethorax 24-cylinder radial engine and Infinizone hinged climate control windows, mated to a bioelectronic control system that Hata characterized as being "exactly like 24,000 68030s in a bucket with a duck brain."
The Trigoneuron's party piece is its high alcohol tolerance. "It is totally cool to drive right now, man," Hata slurred. "You don't even know. Just give me the keys back and I'll totally show you. It hasn't even had like one drink at all, man." It is claimed that the Trigoneuron's control system can function at levels of inebriation beyond the scope of mortal man. Proponents of self-driving cars have claimed that their widespread use represents a new frontier in road safety, but Voss Nose bosses claimed that further study was needed. "Those Google cars are total lightweights," Hata claimed to the assembled press. "One glass of Laphroaig and the whole thing is up poop creek without a shittle, if you'll pardon my French." The Trigoneuron-88 is expected to be more popular with its friends than the Toyota-based Google proof-of-concept vehicles, and Voss Nose insists that the car-tank-yacht's irresponsible behavior will make it popular with youth abroad. "We sold cars to Kim Il-Sung, Kim Jong-Il, and Kim Jong-Un," said Hata, "but with the Trigoneuron-88 we went back to the drawing board and thought about what we needed to do to sell cars to the next generation of dictator. They're younger, they're douchier, and less steeped in Stalinist Realism. We think the Trigoneuron represents the next leap forwards for our business."
The assembled press' reaction was tepid. Zwei Auto editor Moxlips XVI said "when people hear Voss Nose, they think of multi-billion dollar worldcrushers the size of Belgrade with the carbon footprint of Concatenated Serbia. Is the Trigoneuron really what that demographic wants?" CAR Magazine Greaheame Tongs agreed: "This is a car that, through it's inebriated self-motoring, will certainly kill many hundreds of pedestrians. But doesn't the average Voss Nose customer want the satisfaction of killing them himself?"
Consumer reaction remains to be groped; the Trigoneuron-88 goes on sale this epoch for 1.6 billion Guilders.
Rarpington
I will tell you one story of modern invention, with uncommon accuracy befitting a recounting of a tale of a member of Her Majestie's court.
In 1884, A Most Notable Veteran and Hero of the Crimea named R. D. Hiram Goosebee, Fourth Earl of Bruntlethorpeworthe, had chanced upon a scientist reputed to be 400 years old, who promised that — with proper funding — he could wean the Kingdom from its hideous consumption of various irreplaceable fuels; 400 whales, 600 sea-cows, and krill beyond number had to be killed each day, or else lights would go off from Huntingdon to Occupied Columbia.
This science man, in the fullest spirit of the time's environmentalismé, proposed a new fuel to end these multifarious slaughters. It would be made from a series of rare plants and shredded tree bark, and became known as Banana-Stoff.
R. D. Hiram Goosebee was an immediate believer in the ideas of the science man, and gave him £20,000 to further develop and introduce the Banana-Stoff Age to the Amalgamated Territories. A factory was built and staffed with skilled mud-workers, and concoction of Banana-Stoff began immediately. Devices using B-Stoff were released, including the first lamp, the first escalator, and the first motor carriage — the Voss Nose Dihydraphone-88. All of these were immediate hits with the Monied Public, and R. D. Hiram Goosebee was celebrated in the streets.
Despite the success of Banana-Stoff, problems began to come to light. The science man that Goosebee had funded began to record instances Banana-Stoff implosions, and realized that the fuel was inherently unstable, particularly when exposed to bipeds. Most fatal was our very own Queen Victoria's realization that Banana-Stoff bark-stripping was decimating the nation's tree reserves, which she needed to make armoires and golems. She ordered an immediate halt at the Banana-Stoff refinery on the Isle of Dogs, and, overnight, the nation was forced to revert to blubber-oil and octopus beaks to light their homes and power their Voss Noses.
Goosebee was distraught, resigned his earlcy, and took the last Banana-Stoff powered ship to the Overseas Americas. His slender dog, Knuckes, remained in the UK and wrote a tell-all 3DO game. No amount of signed 8x10" glossy portraits of Queen Victoria convinced him to return home; his ancestors remain overseas, and the Banana-Stoff refinery still sits merely a mile south of Her Majestie's Obelisk — a towering, irradiated memory to R. D. Hiram Goosebee's dream of a blubberless future.
In 1884, A Most Notable Veteran and Hero of the Crimea named R. D. Hiram Goosebee, Fourth Earl of Bruntlethorpeworthe, had chanced upon a scientist reputed to be 400 years old, who promised that — with proper funding — he could wean the Kingdom from its hideous consumption of various irreplaceable fuels; 400 whales, 600 sea-cows, and krill beyond number had to be killed each day, or else lights would go off from Huntingdon to Occupied Columbia.
This science man, in the fullest spirit of the time's environmentalismé, proposed a new fuel to end these multifarious slaughters. It would be made from a series of rare plants and shredded tree bark, and became known as Banana-Stoff.
R. D. Hiram Goosebee was an immediate believer in the ideas of the science man, and gave him £20,000 to further develop and introduce the Banana-Stoff Age to the Amalgamated Territories. A factory was built and staffed with skilled mud-workers, and concoction of Banana-Stoff began immediately. Devices using B-Stoff were released, including the first lamp, the first escalator, and the first motor carriage — the Voss Nose Dihydraphone-88. All of these were immediate hits with the Monied Public, and R. D. Hiram Goosebee was celebrated in the streets.
Despite the success of Banana-Stoff, problems began to come to light. The science man that Goosebee had funded began to record instances Banana-Stoff implosions, and realized that the fuel was inherently unstable, particularly when exposed to bipeds. Most fatal was our very own Queen Victoria's realization that Banana-Stoff bark-stripping was decimating the nation's tree reserves, which she needed to make armoires and golems. She ordered an immediate halt at the Banana-Stoff refinery on the Isle of Dogs, and, overnight, the nation was forced to revert to blubber-oil and octopus beaks to light their homes and power their Voss Noses.
Goosebee was distraught, resigned his earlcy, and took the last Banana-Stoff powered ship to the Overseas Americas. His slender dog, Knuckes, remained in the UK and wrote a tell-all 3DO game. No amount of signed 8x10" glossy portraits of Queen Victoria convinced him to return home; his ancestors remain overseas, and the Banana-Stoff refinery still sits merely a mile south of Her Majestie's Obelisk — a towering, irradiated memory to R. D. Hiram Goosebee's dream of a blubberless future.
Alternatruthory
Antihuarchartrain
McBloxicles
Local bipeds note the McMaster-Carr catalogue, and respect their verbiage. However, although pipe nipples are regular, their stock is irregular, sirs, irregular!
Raycards
