Tacticruel

Yo, gentle sirs, this mah Every-Day Carry.

Observe this fine configuration, fellow douchebags! Bask in your gel as I review, from Left to Right, the carried-every-day accoutrements of my magnificence.

- One should never be without a NERF sidearm, for when SHTFAYPYALDAC, a few well-placed darts offer a handy escape from any situation. I prefer this modified Maverick, with custom-made "Australian's Nightmare" hypersonic darts.

- Keys can be used to open things. As I drive primarily A4s and 328is, my keychain is mainly used to hold keys to the safety deposit boxes in which I keep my car remotes.

- This is Fijian money, which is like US American money but imported. You can taste the difference, friends. This one also says Y2K on it, which I like in an ironic fashion, and also I secretly suspect it protects my computers.

- This is my cell-phone telephone, Gerald. Gerald is an iPhone 4, not a 4 S, because I am old-money.

- I keep these mice getting married in my pocket to remind myself that women are the same species as me.

- This is a watch I glued to a wallet. In Europe it's called "Scrillazeit".

- This is a monkey. Most people don't carry one, but I do because YOU NEVER KNOW.

- This is my Mountainfast® Kabarbeque knife. It's made in Vietnam by ironic Vietnamese people. It's good for stuff like opening cans, or puncturing cologne bottles to douse myself in.

- Here's my ice cream scoop.

- I keep some tea on me at all times, coffee is bad for you.

- This is a leprechaun; the one time I didn't take him with me my portfolio went down 4%, so now I do.

- This is my other knife. I use it to help get the Mountainfast® out of its holder when it gets stuck.

- Some Velcro, for the ladies.

- A Game Boy Color, just in case.

- My 'san.

With this arrangement, I am ensured of complete dominance over any situation, like if the mailman comes, or if I feel ennui.